surrender.

How many times must I be reminded to let go?

That letting go is not giving up... not quitting... not losing hope.

Letting go is about relinquishing control over something you really can't take care of on your own.

Surrender.

Giving up your ideas for the better one He has.

Well what a lesson of trust and surrender the Lord has been leading me through lately. God has literally allowed me to be completely broken to pieces, completely forced to relinquish every bit of control I have left in me. And it kinda sucks. But its so good for me I recognize. Recently there has been surprise after surprise, little changes that make a big difference all at once.

With friends, God has literally stripped me of the few people I've let in my life at school. My roommate and best friend will be spending the semester in Botswana, Africa next semester. My big is getting married in December and moving to Waco, Texas. My newest friend that the Lord has placed in my life told me this week that she'll be transferring to Louisiana College in the spring. My other close friend will be student teaching and virtually unable to be the friend next door who can go and do freely. God has begun to close doors in these relationships which is so hard since I am slow to let my walls down to the core of me. And these four women are the ones who have been able to get into my squishy as Mattie calls it.. my inside vulnerabilities, fears and weaknesses. Now that I've let them in, they are all leaving. And although I fully support each one and trust that God is leading them where they must go, it's the realization that my support, my comfort in friendships is going to be practically absent next semester.

I recognize in these situations as well as others that God has been pointing out holes in, that He is teaching me to surrender. To let go of the control that I crave. To relinquish my hold on having everything my own way. And to trust that He truly has my best interest at heart. But my heart and my head aren't on the same page yet. And I cannot pretend that the hurt my heart is feeling isn't outweighing the logical knowledge that God is just refining me in this time. My big Olivia explained that sometimes God wants us to deeply feel the sorrow of brokenness so that we can fully appreciate his restoration and joy.

This is a time of growth that is necessary and good, but the process is always the hardest. Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same, its been such an evident truth in my life lately and I know God's grace will give me the strength to get to the joyful side of things, but the journey is about to be long. I'm learning to surrender each day, trusting God in the process, and hoping for the best in the end.