it's been a while..

This semester has been busy, busy, busy! Time has flown by, and now it's the last weekend of my junior year in college. Life changed a lot over the past few months, and I could not have imagined being where I am currently if you had asked around Christmas time.

January was exciting as I worked at Shades and got to experience the working side of ministry. I spent good time at home, and established a bit of a routine driving to Jackson for night class each Tuesday and working during the week. I think it helped prepare me for the semester, as well as get me into the basics of work at Shades for the summer.

February was exciting from the beginning. My living situation changed from last semester since Lauren went to Africa, and I had the opportunity to get much closer to Stacey and Kendra, my two roommates from last semester. Mattie moved back to Louisiana and Olivia got married and moved to Texas. I was nervous what the semester would look like, but I clung to Joshua 1:5 and constantly reminded myself that the Lord was with me through changes, through good and through bad. He faithfully placed friends in my life that had been there all along, but that I took for granted.

I began serving in a ministry called Fulfill at Englewood with the middle school ministry. I met a girl named Anna who has some sort of social disorder, I haven't quite figured out, but she completely captured my heart. She is often made fun of for being overweight for her age, and for being unable to interact with the other students easily. I noticed that even at church, she does not receive attention or love from many of her peers or even the adults. I think this is mainly because people don't really know what to do with her, she's hard to be around! But I consistently spent time with her, sitting with her at church each week and doing anything I could think of to get her to smile and share her life with me. It was a challenge the last few months but the Lord slowly softened her heart and helped her truly open up to me.

March got into the daily grind of my classes and Chi Omega, things were picking up. I was able to plan some fun events as Sisterhood chair in Chi O and was getting deeper in my relationships with new friends. The Lord was faithfully reminding me He is enough to sustain, and I began to focus more on my everyday life in terms of serving Christ. Fulfill was challenging and my relationship with Anna was getting deeper as she confided in me about how hard school is socially and how she often feels unloved.

I got to go home for spring break, then spent a few days in Clinton, then got to visit Mattie in Pineville, Louisiana. It was so much fun. I love getting to experience my friends from college in their natural home environment. I feel as if I learn so much from someone's family and home, but rarely get to see that in college. We went to the local coffee shops she spends most of her morning time in, we ate with her family, played games, I went to class with her and got to experience her school life. We drove around town and she even let me come to work and squeeze behind the tiny counter of the tiny flower/gift shop she works in at the hospital. I got to meet her friends and see where she goes when she just wants to get away. I got to go to Bible study at her house led by her parents, and I got to see the church her dad pastors. It was such an exciting week and allowed us to catch up and spend good quality time together. I would go back today if I could!

April showers hit hard. We had a lot of storms blow through and I spent a lot of time in my friend's tornado shelter bathroom. School was busy, and I was beginning to grow weary with the pace of life. After a rough weekend where God really shook my heart, I was learning a LOT about what it means to put my security and trust in the Lord. He reminded me gently, but constantly, that HE is the only one who can satisfy, the only one who gives me worth, the only one who makes me beautiful. If I am not pleasing him, how can I be content? Pleasing man is worthless and God must be the one I am fighting for. This month was rough, but consistently good as God revealed pieces of His character to me.

May has been busy and flying by. All of a sudden it's time to leave, my walls are bare, and I am getting ready for my internship at Shades this summer. I am excited for the responsibility of ministry, the opportunity to lead a Bible study lesson a few times, plan events, meet with girls, and have the accountability of intentional discipleship. I am eager to see what the Lord reveals and challenges me with this summer. I am excited for the chance to deepen and grow already existing relationships, as well as develop new friendships. I am also excited to prepare for next fall, my last normal semester before my practicum in social work. Time flies by, but I am constantly learning to seek God on a daily basis and surrender my desires and plans to Him. He is enough!!

surrender.

How many times must I be reminded to let go?

That letting go is not giving up... not quitting... not losing hope.

Letting go is about relinquishing control over something you really can't take care of on your own.

Surrender.

Giving up your ideas for the better one He has.

Well what a lesson of trust and surrender the Lord has been leading me through lately. God has literally allowed me to be completely broken to pieces, completely forced to relinquish every bit of control I have left in me. And it kinda sucks. But its so good for me I recognize. Recently there has been surprise after surprise, little changes that make a big difference all at once.

With friends, God has literally stripped me of the few people I've let in my life at school. My roommate and best friend will be spending the semester in Botswana, Africa next semester. My big is getting married in December and moving to Waco, Texas. My newest friend that the Lord has placed in my life told me this week that she'll be transferring to Louisiana College in the spring. My other close friend will be student teaching and virtually unable to be the friend next door who can go and do freely. God has begun to close doors in these relationships which is so hard since I am slow to let my walls down to the core of me. And these four women are the ones who have been able to get into my squishy as Mattie calls it.. my inside vulnerabilities, fears and weaknesses. Now that I've let them in, they are all leaving. And although I fully support each one and trust that God is leading them where they must go, it's the realization that my support, my comfort in friendships is going to be practically absent next semester.

I recognize in these situations as well as others that God has been pointing out holes in, that He is teaching me to surrender. To let go of the control that I crave. To relinquish my hold on having everything my own way. And to trust that He truly has my best interest at heart. But my heart and my head aren't on the same page yet. And I cannot pretend that the hurt my heart is feeling isn't outweighing the logical knowledge that God is just refining me in this time. My big Olivia explained that sometimes God wants us to deeply feel the sorrow of brokenness so that we can fully appreciate his restoration and joy.

This is a time of growth that is necessary and good, but the process is always the hardest. Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same, its been such an evident truth in my life lately and I know God's grace will give me the strength to get to the joyful side of things, but the journey is about to be long. I'm learning to surrender each day, trusting God in the process, and hoping for the best in the end.